Where did you get a picture of my penis
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Houston, we have a blender
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
