Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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