The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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