Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
