Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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