You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
