ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
