Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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