I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
