New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
