why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
