I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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