someone threw a dead crab at me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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