I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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