Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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