youre lurking in front of me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
