I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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