Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
