god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
