apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
