don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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