my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
