I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
