I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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