Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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