The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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