I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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