I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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