Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
