Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize