I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
