i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
40s are totally the cure
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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