On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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