I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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