The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
