This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize