Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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