I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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