I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
