john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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