i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
