Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
