I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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