It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
