I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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