If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
