like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
