I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
