I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
