My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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