Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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