I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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