I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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