he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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