They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
