everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
