my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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