i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I didn't shave. On purpose
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
