Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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