I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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