That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
