Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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