Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
