How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
