I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
