I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
